Sunday, July 27, 2014

Being Real: My struggle with adoption.

I've abandoned this blog.  I've made feeble attempts to come back to it, but all were short lived.  I've been questioning why that is.  And I think I've finally found the answer.

I need this blog to be more real if I'm going to get excited about writing again.  I need to be able to come here, not just with my lighthearted and funny posts, or informative posts, but also the posts that aren't so happy.  The ones that reflect the challenges and heartache and struggles we all go through.

So, as I take a deep breathe, I'm going to talk about something that's extremely hard for me to talk about:  the challenges I've faced in wanting another child.

In 2009, I was a gestational surrogate.  (That journey needs an entirely different post all of itself, one I will hopefully write soon, but for now, just bear with me.)  It was an amazing journey, but unfortunately the fertility medications I took so that my body would maintain the pregnancy because the children (yes, twins) were not of my genetics, caused serious medical issues.  Because of this, I would be extremely high risk were I to attempt another pregnancy.

For years I've discussed adoption with my husband.  We've always been weary of it because the costs of adopting are so astronomical that it's not practical to assume we'd ever reach our goal without the help and generosity of a lot of people.

Once we even made a half-hearted attempt at raising funds through a crowd funding site, but it didn't pick up steam and I let it slide behind me.  I lost hope.  Looking back, it was my fault that it didn't pick up steam.  After all, if I weren't more passionate and driven to raise money for my cause, why would anyone else be?  Then, shortly after our attempt at raising funds, a personal issue arose and adoption went on the back burner yet again, where it's sat since.

So, here I am again, trying to gain the courage to begin the astronomical and seemingly impossible task of raising the funds to adopt.  We're at a good place in our lives and if ever there were such thing as the perfect time, I'm positive this would be it.

But, how do I do it?  Where does that courage come from?  How do I ask people for money when my cause and struggle is no greater than anything going on in their lives, I'm certain?  I don't know.  But I'm trying to find that courage.  I want to do this.  I want to yell from the rooftops that NOW is the time for us to adopt and that we want this SO badly, but I can't find my voice.

It's my hope that this blog post will be the beginning of that courage.  That maybe if I'm brave enough to post this, then I can build and move forward and that courage will somehow find its way to me if I just let myself be known that I need it.

So here I am courage, please seek me out and try to find me and hopefully soon I'll have the strength to walk toward you too.


Monday, August 5, 2013

Bloglovin


Hello everyone!  Since we no longer have Google Reader (I'll pause here for a moment of silence) I'd like to invite you all to follow me using Bloglovin.  Just click on the link above.  Thank you!


Monday, July 22, 2013

2012 in Pictures


So, now that I've already established that it's been too long since I've been a regular blogger, I'd like to share some pictures from 2012 that I haven't posted.  

The morning after I finished the Bar, this was the first thing I saw. :)
I became a brunette for the first time in years!
We spent a day wandering around the town where I accepted a job.
My husband became a superhero.
My uncle died in a motorcycle wreck.
ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET!!
We found our new favorite place to grab a burger.
My mother helped Maddox carve his pumpkin.
Maddox dressed up as Yoda for Halloween.
We found a really cute deer while visiting Shreveport.
We also found Elmer Fudd.
Maddox shot a gun for the first time.
Maddox performed at his Christmas piano recital.
Maddox discovered his love of modeling sunglasses.
Santa visited us.

Has it really been almost a year?

Has it really almost been one year since my last blog post?  Seriously?  Have I been that busy?  Oh, I hate it.

I guess I'll try to sum up the past year (gulp) without being too boring.

My blogging really slowed down early last year as I wrapped up my final semester of law school.  Of course, almost as soon as I graduated it was time to get busy studying for the Bar Exam.  My entire summer was spent either studying for the Bar Exam or curled up in a ball crying over how there was no point in studying because there was simply NO WAY I was going to pass.

After taking the Bar, my life was quiet for about a month.  During this time I wanted to start blogging regularly again but I just didn't have it in me.  The thought of attempting to create something that others might want to read seemed overwhelming.  My mind was in recovery mode, from three months of 10-18 hour study days 6-7 days a week, from the years of law school that had come before that, and of course, from the years in undergrad that had come even before that.  For the first time, there was nothing to study.  And my mind went on autopilot.

Of course, autopilot didn't last long.  Two days before I found out I'd passed the Bar Exam (that's right -- I passed!!) I was offered a job.  Over the past ten months I've been practicing law.  It's honestly taken me so long to become an attorney that sometimes when I sit back and think about the fact that I am one, I giggle.  I'm an attorney.  Teeheehee.  :D

I've honestly liked practicing a lot more than I thought I would.  I went into law school thinking I'd love practicing, but left wondering if I'd like it at all.  While in law school I realized that I loved the study of law and being around others who are likeminded and share similar passions.  But I began to wonder if I'd like the practice of law as much as law in theory.  To my surprise, I've enjoyed it.  A lot.  I love the people that I work with and most of the time I even love my clients... haha.

So over the past ten months, we've been a two-parent, working household for the first time.  And it's sucked.  Our house has STAYED in a constant state of clutter and unfolded laundry.  My son started the first grade -- I blinked -- first grade was over.  Because my drive to work is (wait for it) 1.5 hours ONE WAY, we had to hire a nanny to pick up Maddox from school and take him to piano practice and swim practice.  If we'd have sent him to after-school care he wouldn't have been able to continue his lessons in either.

It's been so chaotic.  And I've hated it.  Although I've loved my work, I hated my ridiculous commute.  (Yes, it's my fault that I took a job that far away from where I work but I had my reasons.)  I also hated the thought of second grade starting next month -- me blinking -- and second grade being over.  Not again. And more than anything, I've hated not being able to put my family first.

So, after about two months of talks and prayer and thought, I turned in my notice.  This Friday, July 26th, is my last day.  My husband is BEYOND supportive and good grief I'm so thankful for that guy.

Where do I go from here?

Well, the plan is to start my own practice so that I can work part time and schedule my case load around what matters most, my family.  I hope to have my practice up and running by January.  In the meantime (and this is my favorite part) I'll solely be homeschooling Maddox.  It's something I've been wanting to do since before he started kindergarten but I couldn't do it because I had to focus on my own education.

So, next month we start homeschooling.  And, soon I'll slowly incorporate my part-time work into my routine as well.  I'm beyond thrilled!  Maddox is so excited too.  He's done great in public school, but (like most children) some subjects come easier to him than others.  I'm looking forward to seeing how much he'll excel in math now that he won't have to sit in class and wait on other children to finish their work.  And I'm looking forward to seeing how much he'll improve in reading now that we can spend extra time on it.

To wrap this up:  I'm back.  I've been gone.  But I'm so glad to be back!


Friday, August 24, 2012

Time may be free.... but it's priceless.

I love my little man.
And he'll always be my little man... no matter how big he gets.




Fill-In-The-Blank Friday 08.24.12


1.  My favorite thing to do on Friday is stay up late with my husband and son.  We'll either go to the movies, rent a movie, go to Chuck E Cheese's, go out to eat dinner really late, or just build a fort.  No matter what, we're doing it together and we're doing it until about 11:00PM.  Then, we sleep in on Saturdays, which gets the weekend off to a great start!


2.   This Friday I am planning on renting The Lorax.  Robert and Maddox went to see it while I was studying (either for finals or the Bar, I can't remember) and I really want to see it.  Earlier today Robert and I ate lunch with Maddox at school and agreed that being lazy and watching The Lorax was going to make up our Friday night.  I'm perfectly okay with all the snuggles I'm going to get!

3.  The best thing about a weekend is that I can actually enjoy it now.  I've only been out of law school for three months now, but it's been less than a month since I've been finished with the Bar.  So really these past three weekends are the first completely FREE weekends I've had in the last four years.  It feels AMAZING.  Just knowing that I don't have to study is the best part of everday, but especially the weekends.

4. Now that summer is almost over, I'm feeling a lot of things.  I'm excited that the weather will be cooling off.  We've had a record hot and dry summer this year that was no fun.  But, I am sad that I had to spend the entire summer studying for the Bar.  I wish I would have had that time to spend with Maddox.  But, fall is my favorite season and there's so much to look forward to including Halloween, my son's birthday, and Thanksgiving, that it's impossible not to be excited.

5. The best thing I did this summer was manage to live through studying and taking the Bar Exam while keeping my sanity.  Granted, my sanity did leave for a while, but it's back now--so that counts as "keeping" it.  Taking the Bar was something I've known I was going to have to do for at least 10 years and so to have it behind me (and HOPEFULLY to have passed--no results yet) is a fantastic feeling.  Even if I didn't pass (gulp) at least I accomplished something monumental in my life that I've waited a long time for.  I just hope I never have to take that dang thing again.

6. The thing I'm looking forward to about fall is Arkansas football!  We love our Razorbacks and I can't wait to watch what our new coach is going to do this year.  And of course, I'm looking forward to the weather, THE FAIR (we LOVE the fair!!), being able to spend time outside without feeling like you're going to melt, all of the family time, all of the holiday crafts, the spirit of giving that starts to ignite around this time of year.  I'm looking forward to it all!

7.  If I had to be stuck in one season for the rest of my life, I would choose fall.  My allergies are at their mildest during the season.  The weather is fantastic here.  And there's always an excuse to get together with friends and family.  Yes, definitely fall.


Fill-in-the-Blank Friday is from the little things we do
Fill in your blanks and stop by there to link up!


Fashion Friday: In Between Summer & Fall

It has been so hot outside.  And I mean,  HOT.  As in, 111ยบ hot.  (No, that's not an exaggeration.)  

But this past week, we've gotten a preview of fall.  The weather has finally dropped out of the 100s and into the mid to high 90s.  Ah... the 90s.  Yes, yes... I know, by no means is that fall weather, but it's just enough to remind me that it's on its way.  

And I think this little outfit is perfect for the weather that will be headed our way over the next month or two.  Oh how I wish this were in my closet.  


Fashion Friday 08.23.12